watch "Be Wherever You Are" by clicking play one the embedded video below or by going to my YouTube page
Be Wherever You Are | Scotland/09/2024
It’s been over a month since I first arrived in Scotland for my studies abroad/exchange program. It’s been quite the whirlwind.
When I first arrived here, my “plan” was to film clips throughout the month, and upload a monthly recap of sorts of the sights I’ve seen and memories I had captured. I should have known that things change quickly, as it seems this last year all I have been trying to do Is keep up with what has been thrown my way, and just focusing on keeping my head out of water. As explained in “The Journey in Words”, this section contains photos from my journal, where I wrote down (very roughly- so please excuse the grammar mistakes) my thoughts throughout this month, as well as the conception, motivations, and reflections for this project of BE WHEREVER YOU ARE. Additionally, I had some issues with file corruptions due to an SD card, so the little footage I captured the month of September rendered to a lower quality and unfortunately there is nothing that can be done for that.
I spent a long time on this project. Long nights into mornings, and since the video itself is quite vulnerable I won’t shy away from saying I cried non stop. I would often have to walk away from editing for a while and just sit and cry over all the emotions it brought forward. But I think that’s what made this film so cathartic, it allowed me to cry and express myself in a way that I didn’t know how to put to words- because it’s not possible. I tried within my journals, but even then it’s not exact. You feel what you feel and there’s no guarantee others share it or carry it the same way we do. My intention with this project was just to let myself feel the grief all the way through- and have my journal pieces reflect the “intrusive” thoughts and feelings of grief that followed me like a shadow my first month here, and how eventually that shadow turned into more of a perspective. How it made me realize different things about myself and different perspectives on how to look at the situation that had been thrown my way. But no matter what, losing someone is impossible. And losing 4 people in 10 months is utterly indescribable.
This project allowed me to attempt to capture that “indescribable” feeling to get through it and try to heal when being so far from home and the ones I love. Originally it was meant to be just for myself and remain unposted. A project I can look back on or watch when I need a good cry. But then when thinking about how much the show Rings Of Power helped me when I needed hope in a time of despair- by having two characters share their vulnerabilities and openly display their grief and anger over the loss of someone important, even if it wasn’t that loved ones fault; that is what made me decide to post this film. Due to the journal pages being included, I won’t elaborate much more on this aspect. However, Even if no one but my family sees it (which is still a LOT of people) at least it has a possibility of providing a sliver of comfort to them the way that series did for me. By showing it’s healthy and important to be vulnerable and emotional sometimes.
If anyone reads this VERY long paragraph, and If you’ve lost someone recently and have kept going and living life despite the pain, I would like to recognize and congratulate you for your resilience and your strength. It’s okay to be angry, sad, hopeful, bitter- it’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel it, or you’ll hold on to it for far too long. It’s okay to feel what you feel and be wherever you are at in your life.
I would also like to thank a few people for checking in on me often during the month of September, as well as the Incredible new friends I’ve made on this new journey.
Mikka, Camden, Alex, Chloe, Arielle, Noemi- I love you all so much, Thank-you for the kindness you have shown during this impossible year, and Thank-you for continuing to support me even when I am in a 5 hour time difference and over 5000KM away from home.
Chi-Miigwetch.
Sending my love,
Ally.
